so that wasnt chicken after all
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
