just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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