New invention idea: vibrating tampons
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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