Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize