if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
