Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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