It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
