Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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