god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
