mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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