just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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