I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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