I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
