she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
