If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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