for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
