Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
