you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You made out with two different species that night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
