i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
