So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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