I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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