i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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