It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
