Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
COCAINE IS GR8
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
