I just threw up on my dentist
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
