Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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