There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
