mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I will be naked everywhere
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
