Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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