I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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