I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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