I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
