i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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