Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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