she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
