theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
