last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You ruined the universe
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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