I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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