We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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