Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
