I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
