whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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