Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
