I just saw a hot homeless man
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
