I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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