So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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