I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
