mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
