one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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