dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
