Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
