U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
