he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
