the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
