You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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