if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
