Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
