Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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